Weekly summaries of our group's Wednesday night Catan games

Spring Standings: (1) *Pat: 3 (2) *Scott: 2 (3) *Steve: 2 (4) *Kristen: 0 (5) *Player Number Five: 0

*denotes status as a regular player.

Summer champion: Pat

Fall: Player Number Five

Winter: Pat, Steve (tie)

Winter points: Kristen

I was approached via email recently by someone I didn't believe could exist. Amazingly, we had two very specific things in common.

The first was his profession. Jack, as he suggested he be called, sells life-size, custom-made cardboard cut-outs and markets them as a fun way to deter would-be robbers. Typically, customers position them in their windows so that from a distance they appear to be surveying the street*. From celebrities to flattened versions of the home's owners to a "big, mean man with a goatee" to midgets, Jack's creations have nearly covered the entire spectrum of humanity -- 3-foot-5 to 7-foot-7 (Manute Bol, several times).

A few years ago, he made a Justin Bieber cut-out for a fifteen year-old's upcoming Sweet Sixteen. Following the party and Bieber's bad press, the family left it on their front curb in Merrick, where Steve's low-riding BMW happened to be peacocking one afternoon. He grabbed it and eventually brought it to his future residence in Bethpage; it now overlooks foot and car traffic from our prominent upstairs window.

In on the joke, high schoolers who've only heard of fake Bieber's existence drive slowly by the house, spot the suburban legend, and giggle. Outside the joke, pedestrians walking past double and triple take while internally commenting on the nerve of some people. After noticing Jack's tag on the back of Bieber, I did some research, discovered his email address (@optonline.net, meaning he must be either old or somewhat computer-illiterate), and, on a whim, added him to the Catan weekly journal email list. Months later, he replied back.

Jack played The Settlers of Catan semi-regulary as a kid in Germany in the mid to late 1990s when it was first invented. When he moved to the states, "life" and a failure to connect with American players overcame him. He stopped playing. Since then, he's gone to watch a few live tournaments, but he's never participated in an actual game. A few months ago, with business slow and in need of a hobby, he came upon my weekly journals and began reading them regularly. He told a few friends, who asked him why he didn't just play if he liked the game so much. Jack didn't have a good answer for them, and continued his fan-only approach. His first email to me belied his unfamiliar relationship with technology. The one line message:

"What do you look like?"

Lack of proper introduction and creepy Craigslist-style question aside, Jack's email raised a good point. Were we like the rest of America's Catan players out there: obsessed with always placing the number tiles in the same spot and in need of more sunlight? Or were we perhaps more closely related to the "old boys" he used to play with in Germany? Or were we a group he's never seen before?

In today's entry, the last one ever to be published on University Herald and possibly the last ever to be published anywhere, I reveal our physical identities. This one's for you, Jack. (Scott, Kristen, Pat, Pat's bath robe, Steve, Steve's flat brim; Snus, Catan tackle box, Budweiser "25 Oz. can"; missing: player number five)

The second part of today's entry organizes nearly a year's worth of lessons learned from playing double-header Catan sessions at least one per week. In no particular order but the one in which they popped into my head:

1. Starting position matters (but can always be overcome)... Perhaps our most significant contribution to the Catan community occured last week when Pat organized a half a year's worth of starting position data in order to determine the best place to begin a Catan game. A quick recap of those figures below:

1. Second... 11 wins

2. Fifth/sixth... 10 wins

3. First... 8 wins

4. Third... 7 wins

5. Fourth... 6 wins

Because we use hexagons and numbers from four of the game's five versions, anything can happen on our boards. In a more contained game, starting position might matter more or less. Lately, however, we've found that going early has become an increasingly bigger advantage, especially because we also incorporate the gold hex into every game (thus, settling near it can swing a victory).

2. Ration your Catan... We didn't know what we had when we first became Settlers sometime around a year ago. Quickly, however, we became obsessed. Saturday days and nights were dedicated to the game. Alcohol was involved. Games were enthralling, but increasingly dangerous. Then, we found Wednesday. As a group, we banned weekend games and vowed only to play at night on the apex of the week's hump. Thus, every game is a special event.

3. Group variety is underrated... I sometimes wonder what our games would be like if the group was comprised of equally Catan-obsessed men. They'd be intense, and likely spill out to other days of the week not beginning with the letter "W." Thus, Kristen helps keeps us connected to reality while we only wish to delve deeper into the world of wheat, sheep, rock, brick, and wood (like "Game of Thrones," I'll simply call it medieval times).

4. Finding your inner Settler can take time... Anybody can develop a passion for the game, some sooner than others. When Steve first began playing, it was the camaraderie that kept him returning for more. Eventually, however, it was the strategy. Today, few players show more passion. Steve is the Phil Ivey (recent lawsuits aside) of Catan in a game with too few Phil Iveys.

5. But some people are naturals... Pat's beginnings define humble, but his ascent was anything but. In his first game ever with a bunch of seasoned (albeit rules-constrained) Ivy Leaguers, he didn't even know about the two-road requirement between settlements. Months later -- on his own turf and in his Ron Burgundy bathrobe (see above pic) -- he's a two-season winner with a reputation for board tyranny. If it wasn't for romantic and tax connections between he and another regular of the group, Pat's robber targets would induce even more explosions (perhaps he should enlist in Jack's services on a smaller scale). Will the UPenn-Bethpage duel ever happen? And will it end up like the exhibition in "The Sandlot?" Whatever the case, it's time to unleash Pat from the group so he can test his game on the world.

6. The longest road is an evil vixen... On the last day of January, I had this to say about the Longest Road:

"We have a friend who was notoriously seduced by long roads. He no longer plays with us. Instead he's stranded in Hoboken, girlfriend-less, and many actual roads away from his mother's cooking."

That friend happened to play with us last Wednesday night. Once again, he controlled the longest road for 90 percent of the game before losing it (and the game) to Pat's late game steal. Never count on the longest road, but always keep it in mind, advice which happens to combine the titles of two radio-popular country songs.

7. Catan bridges sports and board games... I've learned that once you start putting money or alcohol on games and/or organize them into seasons, it's harder to enjoy them in a one-play, non-cash format. (Examples: poker, rummy, Kings). Most sports are an exception. So is Catan. Though tracking our games has definitely added verve to Wednesday nights, each session remains an experience in itself. Once you're in it with players you know would do anything to win, past and future implications mean little.

8. Certain appetites emerge during Catan, while others disappear... Whether it's three-man or four-man, we always play spades after Catan double-headers. Soon after the first hand is dealt and played, Steve or I usually search through Pat and Kristen's cabinets for snacks -- a hunger we didn't realize we had during the last few hours of Catan. As great a game as Spades is, it isn't so enthralling that it literally overrides basic bodily needs. In that way, Settlers is like baseball, where occupying one's mouth (but not really eating anything) is the main goal. Catan and baseball players do so through sunflower seeds (Steve always brings them), tobacco, and beer (always for Settlers players, sometimes for baseball players if you were a pitcher on the 2012 Boston Red Sox). Sometimes, we even forget to play music. All we need is active minds and mouths.

9. Missing weeks causes regression... When player number five returned after a multiple week absence, she mishandled a longest road block and gave me the win. Kristen, after missing a few weeks last month, hasn't won since. There's probably a point at which one's game can't be improved; still, weekly maintenance is required to stay at the top.

10. Sequel versions are nice, but unnecessary... We haven't played Seafarers or Barbarians and Traders in months. The variety of original Catan is enough for our tastes.

11. Take a visit to your local Bass Pro Shop... Amazingly, (save for a few pieces) all four versions -- Original, Seafarer's, Knights and Cities, and Traders and Barbarians -- fit in a laptop sized tackle box I purchased at Walmart for six bucks (see group pic for the box). Instead of having to put pieces back in their separate box, we simply load everything into compartments typically reserved for fish hooks and worms. It's quite practical.

12. Don't take it personally... As Pat put it this week, "Get angry, but don't take it personally." High flying emotions indicate our passion for the game, not that we don't like each other. 

13. Three-D printing is good for the game... Shoutout to Kevin for this beauty, custom-printed in the labs of Philadelphia. Probably the best secret santa gift of all time.

14. The rules of Catan are meant to be interpreted... If I could ask Klaus Teuber one question, it would be his opinion on our manipulation of the rule book, alterations that include offering hypothetical trades, re-arranging the hexagons and number tiles, playing three-man Catan using six colors, allowing one to begin a game with a city instead of two settlements, etc. In my heart, I believe that instead of answering the question, Teuber would tear up and shake my hand.

*Jack has told me that many high-end customers purchase one not for their own house, but for their less endowed neighbors. This way, when a robber of some skill is casing a mark, he might only lightly inspect the neighboring houses and believe the person is real rather than when he thoroughly inspects the actual house and likely discovers the prop's fraudulent nature.